Voldie and Lichie:BFFs!
by lizzyleefree
Summary: Villains always get the short end of the stick, am I right? Well, in this story villains band together to talk about all those jerky good guys at a support group. Voldemort and the Lich have some bonding time.


_Hello dear readers! Just in case you haven't figured this out from my summary, this is a parody Characters may not always speak or act in character because it's funnier that way. If you don't like parodies, then go read some of those fanfics with dignity and integrity, because this one is just ridiculous._

_Anyways, our story opens at the F.A.R.T meeting. None of the members have any idea why people laugh when they say they are a proud member of F.A.R.T; all it means is "Frustrated antiheros reuniting together." Oh wait, you were thinking of…gross. Some people can be so immature._

_The meeting is in some neutral undisclosed universe with nothing in particular going on. A circle of those uncomfortable metal folding chairs are set up for the group to sit on, the wall has "The 12 Steps to Awesome Villainy" and in the corner there is a corner of snacks (it's just instant coffee and stales oreos)._

"Ok, so welcome to our F.A.R.T meeting tonight." announced the tiny snail with a slime trail leading up to the podium. "As the meeting for totally epic, but continually thwarted villains of the multiverse, we accept evildoers from any dimension, species, or type of matter…except the Ice King."

"Yeah, screw that guy!" shouted Scar the Lion.

"Remember that this is a safe place." continued the Snail. "You don't have to feel like you need to scare anyone here."

There's a clanging of metal as Sauron tears up in the corner.

"Let it out, brother!" cries the snail.

"GAHHH, why couldn't they just let me raise my army of orcs and other brutish, miscellaneous creatures? Those stupid elves think they deserve all the prime freaking real estate while my minions and I are limited to an active volcano! What kind of mess is that?"

"Harrr harr harr!" rumbled Bowser. "I can't believe you let some little dwarfs with hairy feet defeat you!"

"Please, Mr. Bowser!" cried the Snail. "We are not here to judge."

"THEY'RE CALLED HOBITS, OK?!" wailed Sauron, "And they had a really epic wizard dude helping them, so lay off."

"Seriously, Bowser!" cried Lord Voldemort, "You get continually defeated by a _fat plumber on shrooms."_

"ROAR!" boomed Bowser, with fire shooting from his nostrils. When he calmed down he sat, daintily wiping the soot from his lap, and said "I can't help it! That Mario always finds a way to out battle me. All I want is to keep Princess Peach so I can tap that sweet-"

"Anyways…" interrupted the snail, "I want to emphasize that we are not here to cut each other down. All of you have been cut down by the so called 'under-dog.' Everyone thinks these jerks are so helpless, but we know better. When does evil ever win in the end?"

"NEVER!" shouted the group of embittered villains.

"And when should it when?" shouted the snail, thrusting his little fist into the air.

The villains then exchanged confused looks and shrugs.

"Really, guys?" sighed the snail.

"Is this a math question?" asked Lord Voldemort, "I loathed math so much at Hogwarts."

"What? No, it was just motivational! You were supposed to say 'always!'" the snail groaned, smacking his forehead.

"Well, it wouldn't be a challenge if we won all the time." conceded Sauron.

"Yeah, but we do deserve to win most of the time," reasoned Lord Voldemort, "so we can make up for getting the short end of the stick for so long. I didn't get to kill near enough muggles as I was expecting during my reign."

"Ok, let's try this again." Said the Snail, clearly getting impatient with how OCD villains tend to be, "When should evil win?!"

"AT LEAST 51% OF THE TIME!" shouted the group collectively.

"Lich, you're awfully quiet over there. Do you have something to say?"

"Oh yeah, I do!" shouted the Lich ecstatically. He got up from his chair in the middle of the circle and stumbled over to Lord Voldemort. The glowing green orbs in his otherwise empty eye sockets wavered as he slung his bony arm over the Dark Lord's shoulder.

"Oh grod, are you drunk?" asked Lord Voldemort, "Your breath smells like death!"

"My breath always smells like death, Tommy!" the Lich said in between demented chuckles.

"Ugh, don't call me Tommy, you decaying lump of flesh!" shouted the Dark Lord, trying to push the horned hunk of bones off of him, "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"Ha!" barked the Lich, "You idiot- you know your magic only works in your respective dimension!"

"Yeah, sorry bro. I just say it when I get annoyed. Habit, I guess."

"S'cool."

There was an awkward silence before Bowser finally asked, "So, are you drunk?"

"Yes, I am drunk…ON POWER! MWAHAHAHAHA!" cackled the Lich as he threw his hands up into the air maniacally, before stumbling into a chair and saying in a small voice, "Oh yeah, and Vodka."

"Maybe you should sit down." said the Dark Lord cautiously.

"Nononononono naawwww," drawled the Lich, "I'll sit after I say what I need to concerning my pal, Voldie."

The Lich slung his arm around the serpentine-looking overlord and announced, "This dude is my friend! Have you ever thought about how much we have in common? We both have a prepubescent boy as our arch enemy. We both had mighty reigns as the scariest beings in our world before being defeated by something as ridiculous as _love._ I mean, I actually got my butt kicked by a pink sweater with a heart knitted on it, just because it was made with love! Is that not the stupidest globbin' thing ever?

"Aside from being little boys, both of our enemies have this huge hero complex that's totes obnoxious. I mean, at least you got the joy of killing your enemy's parents! I haven't even gotten that satisfaction. We both have figured out how to manipulate our child enemies by letting them see into our minds and have gained their trust by pretending to be someone they admired.

"And yet, despite these genius methods, we have been thwarted! Well, I've had enough! The other day I let Finn see into my plans to possess the body of his beloved hero, Billy. That was the whole reason he came into Billy's cave to offer him help. I had the hero of that world doing my bidding for me, thinking he was going to defeat me! It was so easy! He took the gems of powers that I could not touch. He bought my lame explanation for why we could not ask for the gems, and he thought that giving the Lich access to all the dimensions was a good thing! When he opened the portal for me, I dragged him into another Universe, with no memory of his life in Ooo. He fell for every trap I laid out for him, just because he trusted that Billy so much. That is why trust is for losers, and true villains reign alone, with no one as their equals! Who's with me?" shouted the drunken Lich, raising his flask from his cloak.

"HERE HERE!" shouted the villains in unison.

"So you've won? You've conquered the forces of good in your universe?" asked Lord Voldemort joyfully.

"Yes, indeed I have old friend! I came to this meeting today as an inspiration before you all! I testify to you that it is possible for your time to come, too! Especially for this guy;" said the Lich fondly, prodding Voldemort's chest, "you have been an example of evil to me for years, my friend. Your time will come, too!"

The group of villains stood up clapping for the Lich's newfound power, Sauron wept bitterly in the corner for some reason, and the Snail beat his tiny gavel to call order.

"I think we can all find inspiration from the Lich's victory tonight! It is something we must gather all villains to hear!" announced the Snail.

"Except the Ice King!" shouted Ursula from the back of the group, tentacles floating absentmindedly as she smacked some bright red lip stick on her face. Her double chins jiggled hypnotically as she shook her hair out.

"Oh, yeah, except the Ice King." nodded the Lich, "Screw that guy."

With that, the entire F.A.R.T meeting proceeded to get wasted together in celebration.

After they had all found safe teleportations home, Lord Voldemort reflected on all of his defeated risings to power, "Let the power-hungry bastard have his fun now. That kid is going to find some ridiculous, far-fetched way to destroy his bony butt."

_That's all, folks! I hope you enjoyed my first experiment in the strange, twisted world of crossovers. I'm not sure how many avid Adventure Time fans are also huge Harry Potter fans, but oh well. Voldemort's right; Finn is gonna kick the Lich's butt in season 5. I can't wait!_


End file.
